Are we ready for a baby? Questions to talk through with your partner that aren't only about savings
Nobody is 100% ready, but readiness has many sides: why you want a baby, body, mind, work, money, housework, childcare help and the elders' views. Here are 10 questions to talk through with your partner.
“So how do we know we’re ready?” Honestly, nobody can answer this for us. Some people wait until their savings hit a target, some wait for a house, some wait for their job to settle down, and then find that “ready” keeps moving further away.
The truth is, nobody is 100% ready. But there are a few questions that, if you talk them through with your partner first, will make life after baby a lot less exhausting. We’ll go through them one by one, with a checklist you can sit down with on a weekend evening.
What does being ready for a baby look like?
Quick Answer: Look at 6 areas: why you want a baby, your body, your mind, work and money, who does what at home, and the people around you. You don’t have to be ready on every one, but you should talk about every one.
March of Dimes recommends couples make a “reproductive life plan” together, from how many kids you want and how far apart, to how you’ll look after your health, all the way to money, childcare, the effect on your work and your family’s traditions. The idea is to talk about it before pregnancy.
It sounds like a lot, but these are things you’ll face anyway. The only difference is whether you talk about them now, while you still get a full night’s sleep, or at 3 a.m. with a crying baby next to you.
1. Why do we want a baby?
Quick Answer: Try to separate what the two of you really want from pressure coming from the people around you. March of Dimes encourages you to ask yourself directly whether you feel pressured to have a baby.
No reason is better than another. Wanting to watch a child grow, wanting to build a family, wanting your parents to hold a grandchild: these are all real feelings. But if the main reason is “the elders ask every Songkran” or “all our friends have kids already,” talk about it a little more.
2. How many kids do we want, and how far apart?
Quick Answer: Have a rough conversation now. It doesn’t have to be fixed, but it helps you plan your work, money and health better.
Your answer might change after your first baby, which is completely normal. It just helps to know what the other person is thinking, so there are no surprises later.
3. How ready is our body?
Quick Answer: Book a preconception checkup, start folic acid, and talk to your doctor about any health conditions or medicines you take. The NHS recommends doing these things before you start trying.
This is the easiest one to prepare for. Follow the list in Health checkup before having a baby and start folic acid as explained in Folic acid: why doctors want you to take it before you know you’re pregnant. And don’t forget, men need some tests too.
4. How are we feeling right now?
Quick Answer: If you have stress or anxiety, or have had depression before, tell your doctor from the planning stage. March of Dimes stresses that mental health matters as much as physical health, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
Do a gentle check on yourself. Are you sleeping okay lately? Do you still enjoy the little things? Do you have someone to vent to? If you take medicine for your mental health, don’t stop it on your own out of worry for the baby. Talk to your doctor and plan together.
Depression can start during pregnancy, not only after birth. The signs to know are in Depression doesn’t only happen after birth.
5. How will our jobs change?
Quick Answer: Talk about how much maternity or paternity leave each of you can take, when you’ll go back to work, and what kind of work you’d like to do after having a baby.
- If you’re an employee, check your rights in Maternity leave under Thai law: how many days?
- If you freelance or sell online, where will your income come from around the birth?
- If one of you is thinking of quitting to stay home full time, or switching to working from home, also read Starting a business while raising kids
6. Is our money enough? Not just savings
Quick Answer: Besides savings, look at the benefits you have, the income you’ll lose during maternity leave, the monthly costs that will go up, and an emergency fund.
Questions that help you see the picture:
- What coverage do we have: the Gold Card, Social Security, or health insurance from work?
- Have we paid into Social Security long enough to claim birth costs? Check How many months of Social Security contributions do you need to claim birth costs?
- If one income disappears for a while, how many months can our household manage?
- Which baby items are truly necessary, and which can wait? See the basic list in Newborn essentials
You don’t have to wait for the numbers to look good first. Just know where your numbers stand, and have a plan.
7. Housework and night shifts: who does what?
Quick Answer: Agree now on who does what, especially the night shifts in the newborn period, because tiredness you haven’t talked about often turns into fights.
List all the housework you do right now, then add the baby jobs, like washing bottles, washing diapers, taking baby for vaccines, and getting up to soothe them at 2 a.m. Then ask each other directly who takes each one. Not who “helps,” but who is “responsible.”
8. Who can help with childcare?
Quick Answer: Think ahead about who can help after the birth and when you go back to work: family members, a nanny, or a nursery.
In many Thai families the grandparents help out, which is a huge support. But ask them first if they’re up for it and how much they want to help. Don’t just assume.
9. Two families’ beliefs: which way will we go?
Quick Answer: Talk with your partner first about which things you’ll do the elders’ way and which you’ll do the doctor’s way, then let each of you talk to your own side of the family.
Yu fai (the Thai postpartum “lying by the fire” tradition), swaddling, feeding mashed banana, bundling baby in thick blankets: these will definitely come up. Some have their reasons, and on some the knowledge has changed. How to talk about it without fighting is in Thai new mom beliefs: which ones are true?
10. If things don’t go to plan, how will we talk about it?
Quick Answer: Agree on how you’ll handle it together if getting pregnant is hard, it happens sooner than expected, or something unexpected comes up. The NHS recommends seeing a doctor if you’ve been trying for 1 year and still aren’t pregnant.
This isn’t about thinking negatively. Knowing that “no matter what, we’ll talk about it” makes you a lot calmer when something really is up in the air.
Get help if…
Quick Answer: If you feel sad, hopeless, or so stressed you can’t eat or sleep for several weeks in a row, if you’re being forced or threatened about having a baby, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, get help right away.
- Feeling sad, losing joy, or anxious almost every day for several weeks in a row: see a doctor or call the mental health hotline 1323
- Being pressured or forced about having a baby, or violence in your relationship: get help from someone you trust, or from an agency that handles this
- Thoughts of harming yourself: go to the hospital or call 1669 right away
The full picture of getting ready, covering your body, money and mind, is in Getting ready for a baby: a guide for Thai moms.
Being ready doesn’t mean everything is perfectly in place. It means you’re brave enough to talk about everything. If you can talk like this, you’re already off to a really good start.
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10 questions to talk through with your partner
You don't have to answer them all in one night. Take them one at a time.
Questions parents ask
01How do we know if we're ready to have a baby?
Ask yourself and your partner: do we want a baby because we really want one, or because we're being pressured? How is our physical and mental health? Can our work and money handle the first year? Who will do what at home, and who can help with childcare? If you can talk about these openly and have a plan for the parts you're not ready on yet, you're already getting ready.
02How much savings do we need to be ready for a baby?
There's no single number that works for every family, because it depends on your income, your healthcare coverage and where you choose to give birth. Start by checking your Social Security (Sor Por Sor) or Gold Card (Bat Thong, Thailand's universal coverage scheme) benefits, your money for the time your income drops during maternity leave, and your baby's monthly costs. Then set a target for your emergency fund.
03My partner doesn't want a baby yet. What should I do?
Try asking about their real reasons without judging. Some people worry about money or work, or are afraid they won't be good parents. If you keep going in circles talking on your own, seeing a family counselor can help. Having a baby should be a decision you both make together.
04How do we cope with pressure from parents or relatives to have a baby?
Agree with your partner first to give the same answer, then keep it short and polite, like "We're planning it." You don't need to share details. March of Dimes also encourages you to ask yourself whether you feel pressured to have a baby, because this decision should come from the two of you.
05I've had depression or anxiety. Can I have a baby?
Yes, you can. But tell your doctor from the planning stage, especially if you're taking medicine, and don't stop it on your own. March of Dimes stresses that mental health matters as much as physical health, and caring for your mind before pregnancy helps both mom and baby.
06What's the right age to have a baby?
There's no right age for everyone, but age does affect your chances of getting pregnant. If you're worried about your age or have been trying for a long time, talk to a doctor. The NHS recommends seeing a doctor if you've been trying for 1 year and still aren't pregnant.
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